These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
