He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
