my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
