my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
