It was like getting head from an anaconda
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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