My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
