no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
