you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The adults are the big ones right?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
