just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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