Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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