life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
