I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
how drunk are you?
Several
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
