if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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