I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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