just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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