I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
