Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
