Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I need to align my fucking chakras
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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