I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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