actually, I'm a sock model
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
