The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
