please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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