I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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