All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
