Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Princesses don't give blow jobs
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize