guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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