my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
