we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
