Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
