As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just got carded by a ten year old.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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