It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
