I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
