dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Your cock deserves a montage
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
