We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
