I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
