How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize