Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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