Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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