Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
