Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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