I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
