No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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