I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
