Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
