i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
