I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
