im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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