I think my vagina is haunted
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
