I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
