i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize