I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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