Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
