that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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