dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
