At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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