Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
