My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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