yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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