I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
