There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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