If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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