Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
