you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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