That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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