my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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