I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
