I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
