you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
