Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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